The good girl brand
Is seared into my soul.
Each layer of conditioning that I muddle through, slough off
reveals the tenderness of
A deeper burn.
Through skin
Underneath my bones
Permeating each breath
Laced in every thought
Lurking in my dreams.
I carve " I choose me" in my arm only to
Defer to disfiguring who I am
To be a good girl.
I try to resist
Am I true to myself?
I believe it.
I believe I am healed.
I am doing it.
Until I realize I've lost myself again
This.
This is why I have come to love the descent.
I watch myself
Slowly isolate
Lose interest
Shrink in
Lash out
Coil up
Until I finally see her
Matted braids
Sunken eyes
Unapologetic
I see me in the eyes of the girl at the stoplight
Cigarette on her lips staring wistfully as her music gushes out of her stereo
I fall into my deep self
She/me/we
Have nothing to give
To anyone
Nothing
Raw truth
Striking clarity
I love her.
I really, really love her.
Look at her lost, all wrapped up in the beauty of a fallen branch, detached lichen and decaying leaf
She soothes me
CLEAR!
I hear in the distance as she is ripped from my finger tips
The voltage runs through me
Bringing me back to the searing need to smile as I whisper
"My pleasure"
